Breakup Comebacks

Breakups are hard.

Mourning the death of intimate relationships is heart-wrenching. This journey is exquisitely complex, painful, and onerous to navigate. What makes breakups particularly formidable is their power to expose our deep-seated fears, insecurities, and attachments that commonly find refuge in relationships. The camouflage that relationships provide can no longer conceal or disguise these truths and vulnerabilities. They have no place to run or hide.

Still, that does not stop us from trying to find cover. Instinctively, and to our own detriment, we desperately try to claw our way back to seek pleasure and avoid pain as if our life depends on it. And so, the dance begins.

We attempt reconciliation with ingenuity and desperation: bargain, delay and avoid; persuade, reason, deflect, distract, coerce, and manipulate. We act out of primal jealousy, anger, pain and revenge to win, hurt, punish, or “show” them. We hurry to land on familiar “stable” grounds.

Conversations that ensue during breakups unravel us like a spool of thread from grandma’s hand-knitted sweater. We become undone. Often, both partners effortlessly slide into a vortex of unhealthy banter. It only exacerbates the hurt and pain.

. . .

We can keep repeating such patterns and commiserate endlessly over love. Or, we can be bold and break out of these vicious cycles. To choose the latter, we must resist our primal instincts. Instead of running away, we have to summon the courage to face our fears, insecurities, and attachments head-on. Simultaneously question and challenge our indoctrinated notions on love and romance.

Our preconceived notions, thoughts, values, and beliefs on how things ought to be, coupled with our fears, insecurities, and attachments, are the source of self-inflicted pain that we falsely and routinely pin on others.

The source of self-inflicted pain, routinely attributed to others, lies in our preconceived notions, thoughts, values, and beliefs on how things ought to be. These, coupled with our fears, insecurities, and attachments, form the crux of our suffering.

SET THE STAGE

In this article, we shed light on the source and confront uncomfortable truths in a hard-hitting and yet, compassionate manner.

Presented in the form of insightful dialogue between the breakup parties, we navigate a collection of breakup comeback lines and responses by the initiator, laden with poignant humor and revelations.

To do so, we approach the matter from the breakup initiator’s vantage point, who in this scenario, understands their own doubts, fears, insecurities and attachments. We assume they have some level of self-awareness. The recipient, on the other hand, struggles with the news and claws for reconciliation to land on familiar grounds. Their attempts to plead, convince, goad, provoke, sting, incite, pressure or urge the initiator fail.

Instead of taking the bait with knee-jerk, angry or mean-spirited responses, the initiator responds with clarity and brutal honesty. Thus, circumvents sliding into the vortex with the recipient. While illuminating, it should be self-evident that not all responses are appropriate to be vocalized out loud. In matters of the heart, communicating with compassion, tact and honesty is a more mature approach and typically serve both parties well.

BREAK THE COMEBACKS APART

DON'T DO THIS

Recipient:
Initiator:

You will never meet anyone like me.
I’m counting on it.

Recipient:
Initiator:

You’re making a big mistake.
I’ll find a way to live with my choices.

Recipient:
Initiator:

I’m one in a million.
Actually, one in a billion.

Recipient:
Initiator:

No one will ever love you the way I love you.
If I don’t love myself more than you love me, then I’ve got bigger problems.

Recipient:
Initiator:

I get propositioned all the time. I’ve passed every opportunity for you.
Commendable. Glad you’re in such high demand.

Recipient:
Initiator:

You won’t find anyone willing to take you with your baggage.
Let’s not have you carry my “baggage” anymore either.

Recipient:
Initiator:

Gestures a hypothetical slap across your face.
GAME OVER.

All jokes aside, the underlying premise of these breakup comebacks is that you, the initiator, are the lucky one to have the recipient in your life. Clearly you have forgotten that. But that’s okay. Shit happens. So they remind you by running a highlight reel of the good times, and enlighten you about the sacrifices they have made for you. Once they put your faculties back in order, instead of getting upset with you, they will still “take you back.” How lucky are you?

If that strategy fails, you are warned not to do something foolish that you will regret for the rest of your life. This will be your big loss. They are looking out for you and trying to help you not make bad decisions. As part of that, they also try to convince you of how you ought to feel towards them because that is how they feel towards you.

And if that too fails, then anger and disbelief set in. How dare anyone breakup with them? They are a catch! Anyone would be lucky to be with them. And that honor has been bestowed upon you. You need a smack down. How can you fail to recognize and appreciate the enormous God’s gift they are to you? Frankly, it’s an outrage.

The game of chess requires two ready and willing players. If one player chooses not to play, there is no game. The game ends before it even begins.

Contrary to the self-confidence projected by their words, in reality, these comebacks showcase the recipient’s fears and insecurities. To compensate for their lack of confidence in themselves and who they are, they talk themselves up and project a façade. If the initiator has any semblance of doubt about their decision, have their own insecurities and/or share similar thoughts of scarcity, those would lend themselves towards the dance of reconciliation.

TELL ME AND LET ME TELL YOU

Recipient:
Initiator:
Recipient:
Initiator:

Why?
You indulge and share your reasons for the breakup.
I will win you back.
That was not code for try harder.

Recipient:
Initiator:

What can I do differently to make you happy?
You can’t. You can only make yourself happy.

Recipient:
Initiator:

I can change.
Into what?

Recipient:
Initiator:

What do you want me to do to keep you?
You keep things. I am not a thing for you to keep, own or possess.

Recipient:
Initiator:

I’m just trying to be good enough for you.
That’s the winning recipe for failure. Work on being good enough for you. You don’t need my validation or anyone else’s for that matter. Be good enough for you.

Recipient:
Initiator:

I love you. I’ll agree to anything you want.
Music to my ears. Listen carefully. You go left. I go right.

Recipient:
Initiator:

I love taking care of you and spoiling you.
Get a dog.

Recipient:
Initiator:

I would do anything for you. I would kill for you. I would die for you.
Whoa! Calm down. Lay off those damn Bollywood movies! You couldn’t do the easy stuff while we were in a relationship. But you’re happy to die or kill to keep the relationship? That makes perfect sense. Also, highly disturbing!

Recipient:
Initiator:
Translation:

I’m sorry for everything.
Oh, the golden blanket apology!
They may regret how you feel, but not their actions. What they’re really saying is—I’m sorry for whatever the hell you think I did wrong. Feel better? Now, can we put this aside, get back together, and move on?

Recipient:
Initiator:

I’ll never do it again.
And I’m convinced.

Recipient:

Initiator:

I’m sorry I hit you last night. It won’t happen again. I love you more than anything in the world. I can’t live without you. You know that, don’t you?
You’ve been selling it. And I’ve been buying it. But I’ve got you beat, no pun intended. I sold more fraudulent stories than you ever did. I’ve been selling avoidance and ignorance. I’ve been selling blame shifting and minimizing. I’ve been selling justifications and creative rationalizations. And I’ve been the sole buyer of my own self-destructive stories.

I’ve told stories to convince myself that the abuse you dished out was my fault. Perhaps even deserved. I let you take advantage of my low self-worth, dignity and confidence. I let you mindfuck me.

No more.

The best salesperson is one that takes the time to listen and understand what their clients need and want. Most clients are happy to divulge. The rest is easy. This is the classic “Tell me what you want. And let me tell you what I have” strategy. The salesperson essentially regurgitates and offers everything you shared you want, and more. You just helped them make the sale!

So it would follow that during breakups, the first reflex question is why. While it is a well-needed and important conversation to engage in, the why of the why makes all the difference. Are they asking why so they can prepare a rebuttal? Are they arming themselves to negate, invalidate or alleviate “seeming” issues to convince you to get back together? Is their intention to prove you wrong and win you back?

Or are they asking why so both can engage in a compassionate introspective adult conversation to understand and learn from what happened and why; to respectfully share feelings with honesty; to heal and give the gift of mutual closure.

In the absence of that, the underlying premise of the breakup comebacks in this category is that you, the initiator, are the King or Queen. And they will treat you as such. Whatever you want and anything you say. They will say all the right things; they may not always mean them, but they will certainly verbalize them. Everyone wants to be treated like royalty and have their way. No one would pass up on this sweet deal in their right mind. Right?

SERVING THE GUILTY SPECIAL

Recipient:
Initiator:

I don’t know how I can live without you.
Time and Perspective.

Recipient:
Initiator:

I will kill myself if you break up with me.
I respect free will. Blackmail, not so much.

Recipient:

Initiator:

I will never experience anything like this again. Our relationship was different than anything else I’ve experienced.
Lucky and grateful we both got to experience that.

Recipient:
Initiator:

It’s hard to find a connection like we have, but even harder to lose it.
You only lose what you cling to — Buddha.

Recipient:
Initiator:

This always happens to me.
And the same shit will keep happening until you learn the lessons it’s presenting for you to learn. So LEARN!

Recipient:
Initiator:

I loved too hard.
Define love?

Recipient:
Initiator:

I should have tried harder.
You really think that would have made a difference? Or just delayed the inevitable?

Recipient:
Initiator:

I thought you would heal me.
I don’t recall signing up to be your therapist?

Recipient:
Initiator:

How can you give up on us?
Clarity and acceptance.

Recipient:
Initiator:

I don’t want to lose you. Please don’t leave me.
You never “had” me. I am not something you keep or lose.

Recipient:
Initiator:

I will never recover from this.
If that’s what you believe, you’re right.

Recipient:
Initiator:

I can’t bear the thought of anyone else touching you.
Always a good reason to stay together!

Recipient:
Initiator:

But I‘m in love with you!
Care to ask how I feel?

Recipient:
Initiator:

I need you.
Ah, dependency! Always a turn on!

While the initiator may have called off the relationship, it does not mean that they themselves may not be struggling. The initiator may be dealing with their own emotional turmoil, and also, perhaps internalizing the pain of the recipient.

These breakup comebacks rely on knowing how much the initiator cares for them. And the recipient uses that to tug at your heartstrings. Your care and love for them makes it easy for them to make you feel sorry for them. They pawn the idea that their happiness and future is at your mercy. They say things that make you feel guilty, even responsible, for the pain you are causing them.

Simultaneously, they flatter and make you feel incredibly special. Who doesn’t like to hear and believe how special they are? It’s easy bait. If you believe in your own grandeur, ego and martyrdom, it becomes easy to get sucked in by these comebacks.

Comebacks in this category are reflective of the recipient’s attitude towards accountability; they want none. They believe they do not have a choice and therefore, rendered helpless. Things just happen to them. They lament how their life is mired by a string of mishaps, hardship and setbacks. They must be cursed. They have a victim mentality, which allows them to pass the buck to you in the form of guilt. They may be lazy, set in their ways, dependent, needy, and / or operate from a place of scarcity.

THE BETRAYAL HOME RUN

Recipient:
Initiator:

How could you do this to me?
Ask better questions. If you don’t, you will discover nothing. And therefore, learn nothing.

Recipient:

Initiator:

You’re ungrateful. How could you? After all that I’ve done for you, and forgiven and overlooked! You should be thanking me everyday and kissing my feet.
Look at you just getting off on yourself! Clearly you don’t need company.

Recipient:
Initiator:

Things have been going so well. I’m completely blindsided.
And that just goes to show how connected we really have been.

Recipient:
Initiator:

But you promised we would be together forever.
I can be honest and we can part ways. Or we can live a lie until death do us part. We can be miserable together for the rest of our lives because we made a promise to honor a royally flawed agreement at the expense of honoring our honesty and truth. Which would you prefer?

By the way, I also promised to always love you. Letting go, so we can both find our true happiness is the greatest act of love.

These comebacks are the ultimate knockout punch. Betrayal! They make the case that you are disingenuous, immoral and unethical; perhaps even a sinner. You should be ashamed of yourself. They guilt you into feeling like you stabbed them in the back. You are Judas. They hit you at your core – your values, integrity and character.

But if they truly believe you are Judas, which you may or may not be, then why would they still want to be with you?

Such thoughts highlight an important and destructive indoctrination by society on the concept of love. Collectively, as society, we consider it heroic to sacrifice, settle and stay in unfulfilling relationships out of feeling indebted, guilt, loyalty and commitment. We denounce, castigate and condemn truth and honesty. Instead, we celebrate longevity at the expense of true happiness and fulfillment.

THE FAULT IN YOU

Recipient:
Initiator:

What do they have that I don’t have?
It’s not about what they have and what you don’t have. You are fine just the way you are. We are two good people who are simply no longer right for each other. Square peg. Round hole.

Recipient:
Initiator:

There’s someone else, isn’t there? Tell me the truth.
Firstly, there isn’t. Secondly, don’t make me repeat myself.

Recipient:
Initiator:

You’re just gonna give up on us so easily.
Nothing about this is easy. Clearly.

Recipient:
Initiator:

You are really difficult to be with. You are … … …
Clearly you have a list of grievances against me. Sounds like you’re making a case for why we shouldn’t be together as well!

Recipient:
Initiator:

You have unreal expectations of me.
True story. Glad we agree. Now you can be with someone who has more real expectations of you and we can both be happy.

Recipient:
Initiator:

You are really difficult to be with. You are … … …
Clearly you have a list of grievances against me. Sounds like you’re making a case for why we shouldn’t be together as well!

The underpinnings in this category of comebacks are blame. Blaming you, your fictitious lover, your actual lover or the cookie monster. Just find someone or anyone to blame. This allows them to decry victim. Poor me. I was wronged. They receive sympathy from friends and family. Finding someone to blame allows them the ability to relinquish any sense of responsibility and accountability of themselves — their choices and their contributions to the demise of the relationship. They will do anything to avoid looking inward. It’s easier.

To break out of the cycle of pain, we must move away from our primal instincts and seek the more enlightened path. This path begins with our thoughts. When we change our thoughts, we change our experiences.

Life is forever fertile grounds for learning. Breakups, in their purest forms, are opportunities to question and challenge the source in pursuit of truth and personal growth. Situations that expose our fears, insecurities and attachments are difficult but immeasurably enriching; they are quintessential blessings in disguise. They knock us out of our comfort zones and push us to our edges. While comfort zones are beautiful places, nothing ever grows there.

When we view breakups from a learning perspective, we understand that — Things are not happening to us. They are happening for us.

Published: April 11, 2019

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